I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
