Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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