Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
