I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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