i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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