It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
how can u be prego again
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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