My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
