No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
