mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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