the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize