It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
