Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
