Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
