I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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