those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
