i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
