I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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