Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
we made out on top of his cat.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
