We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
