you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
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