my phone needs a breathalizer
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize