you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Randomize
