Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
