just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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