I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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