you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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