Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
