the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
