the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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