i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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