Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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