why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize