I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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