I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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