I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
