I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
