I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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