I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Randomize
