your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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