I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
