So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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