if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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