What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think my fart just growled at me.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
