I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
