Don't make out with my wife yet
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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