I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
