I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
