Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
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