i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
