I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
being pregnant is like rehab
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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