I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
