Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
