# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
