Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
