Betty ford says i'm here all night
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
i dont even know how to be here
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
