New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize