Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
just found out that she named her cat after me.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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