Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
